Posts

Showing posts from September, 2017

Throw off your shame or be a slave to the system...

Image
I have a counselling appt tomorrow...I am going simply b/c I logically know I should go try and learn some new life skills...I do not like the process of having to talk about things that are real and raw and touchy...but it is a means to an end clearly. I have wasted a lot of my life stewing in rage that has not served me well...at my age I have no one to blame but myself for this. I make jokes about everything being my mom's fault but that shit only maintains validity for so long... With all these new dad changes and developments recently it has been impossible to not what if myself to the brink of madness. Al made a very good point over fries and gravy that had he known about me when I was born nothing would have likely changed for me...which is very honest and true. I still would have lived with my mother and been dragged along on all her marital adventures BUT...part of me likes to live in the land of delusion and imagine a life where once Al married Huguette I was whisked awa…

Sneaky surprises...

Image
It has been a couple of days since I flew up to Prince George to meet my newly discovered (via DNA test on Ancestry.ca) dad, Al.

I was very nervous....and full of dread. You really put yourself out there when you venture into uncharted waters...I am not good with putting myself out there. I am the avoider of all emotion. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. Only let it out in extremely small bits to ensure a true breach is not possible. A true breach = death...an emotional one. Dramatic, hey? Yeah I know...welcome to my emotional state.
So...I get on this damn airplane and I fly to the city of my birth...I must do this, without question. I have spent my life rejected by who I thought was my father, feeling anger and utter wonder about his behaviour, or lack thereof. To this day I cannot understand how someone could ignore a child...this feeling was echoed greatly when my child's own father did the exact same thing for over a decade to her. It is something I will never be a…

Remember when...

Image
Remember when 'connecting' with someone was the be all end all of existence, be it with friends or whatever sex you were interested in romantically? My gawd...I am in awe of how little that matters to me anymore. 
I was talking to an old highschool buddy today and we were lamenting about all the people from our crowd who have died and mega-lamenting about our shitty skills at relationships...such a funny thing to talk about...being emotionally retarded to the degree you cannot do relationships. Funny thing to 'connect' over. Been thinking a lot of Rob Profitt these days...he died in 2006, shitty car accident...on the cusp of a big life change, things were looking up...I would love to sit and shoot the shit with him again...I guess if one person misses you and wishes you were there to talk to you did ok in life....right? I have always kind of taken it as my personal responsibility to remember ppl who are dead as a sort of testament to their existence...don't get me …