Showing posts from 2017

Invisibility, it is a cloak of good fortune...

I had a very brief window of physical desirability in my youth - then I got knocked up. By desirability I mean when men would cat call and scream I LOVE YOUR TITS from across a bar (this is a skewed definition of desirability, I do recognize this)...was not a fan of such attention but it sadly did boost one's self esteem and somehow tugged it back down, simultaneously.

Having spent most of my life prior to this brief window and after being essentially invisible I can safely assert that being invisible has more perks (pardon that poor pun)... I was thinking about what a weird blessing it was at 20 to be too young and naive to truly understand how vulnerable I was - especially when partaking in ridiculous high risk behaviour (drinking, hitchhiking, telephone dating (haha), etc.). I wondered if my daughter has any true idea how vulnerable she is out there in the world...if she did I feel like she would empathize with my worry/spazziness more. She is creeped out much more easily than …

Throw off your shame or be a slave to the system...

I have a counselling appt tomorrow...I am going simply b/c I logically know I should go try and learn some new life skills...I do not like the process of having to talk about things that are real and raw and touchy...but it is a means to an end clearly. I have wasted a lot of my life stewing in rage that has not served me my age I have no one to blame but myself for this. I make jokes about everything being my mom's fault but that shit only maintains validity for so long... With all these new dad changes and developments recently it has been impossible to not what if myself to the brink of madness. Al made a very good point over fries and gravy that had he known about me when I was born nothing would have likely changed for me...which is very honest and true. I still would have lived with my mother and been dragged along on all her marital adventures BUT...part of me likes to live in the land of delusion and imagine a life where once Al married Huguette I was whisked awa…

Sneaky surprises...

It has been a couple of days since I flew up to Prince George to meet my newly discovered (via DNA test on dad, Al.

I was very nervous....and full of dread. You really put yourself out there when you venture into uncharted waters...I am not good with putting myself out there. I am the avoider of all emotion. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. Only let it out in extremely small bits to ensure a true breach is not possible. A true breach = emotional one. Dramatic, hey? Yeah I know...welcome to my emotional state.
So...I get on this damn airplane and I fly to the city of my birth...I must do this, without question. I have spent my life rejected by who I thought was my father, feeling anger and utter wonder about his behaviour, or lack thereof. To this day I cannot understand how someone could ignore a child...this feeling was echoed greatly when my child's own father did the exact same thing for over a decade to her. It is something I will never be a…

Remember when...

Remember when 'connecting' with someone was the be all end all of existence, be it with friends or whatever sex you were interested in romantically? My gawd...I am in awe of how little that matters to me anymore. 
I was talking to an old highschool buddy today and we were lamenting about all the people from our crowd who have died and mega-lamenting about our shitty skills at relationships...such a funny thing to talk about...being emotionally retarded to the degree you cannot do relationships. Funny thing to 'connect' over. Been thinking a lot of Rob Profitt these days...he died in 2006, shitty car accident...on the cusp of a big life change, things were looking up...I would love to sit and shoot the shit with him again...I guess if one person misses you and wishes you were there to talk to you did ok in life....right? I have always kind of taken it as my personal responsibility to remember ppl who are dead as a sort of testament to their existence...don't get me …

What a way to start vacation...

Last week the DNA results finally came confirmed that Al was my biological father.


You cannot imagine the relief. Relief mainly b/c I was glad I did not have to resume a search and also b/c I really thought he was the I would have felt like a big dummy if he wasn't.

We emailed a little and agreed to talk this weekend and this morning he called so I got to talk to him and his wife - it was really great. Zero awkwardness, they are pretty easy going and personable so the conversation was effortless. Al seems like a real character...I think I know where I got my smartassedness from. Great sense of humor...looking forward to some more phone calls and eventually meeting later. His wife, Huguette, has a brother that lives in Victoria so they come here periodically already - very convenient.

I cannot help but feel this is far weirder for them than it is for me so I will continue to be sensitive to that and just go with the flow. So far so good!

Today I accidentally painted on a spider and accidentally cut a spider's leg off...

It was a bad day to be a spider in my yard today...the cut off leg one was me trying to get the spider out of a plat I was repotting and I snipped it just shooing it...sorry spiders, please do not invade my bedroom.
I just threw up on myself from coughing so I feel very weirdly relaxed right now, drinking tea, cool breeze blowing in my bedroom window. About 30 songs on is a Jeff Buckley, Noah Gundersen, Edward Sharp & the Magnetic Zeros, John Paul White and Gregory Alan Isakov kind of night in musicland....
So much DNA/Ancestry action going on these days. Very intense is the business of is so different for everyone...ranging from apathetic to obsessed. I want to know who my sperm donor/daddio is but the ship has sailed on it really altering my life too much. A nice Hollywood happy ending would be know...let's remember who we are dealing with here...a person who avoids emotions like the plague. I would prefer to step over smelly…

The Poverty of Expectation

I got the DNA test kit that I am sending up to my "maybe daddy" today - he is happily willing to do the test to solve this mystery which is absolutely amazing. Funny how a kind, reasonable act comes off as amazingly heroic when you are used to the men in your life being consistently disappointing. (I recognize that is a sad tribute to my life thus far haha) It will take a few months to get results but...I am pretty stoked...and probably letting myself get a little too convinced he is the one.
Coincidentally...I got a 2nd cousin match on my Ancestry acct the other day. I messaged her and got her story about being put up for adoption in the 60s...I got all the details and determined we must be related through her birth father b/c her mom's info (full name, etc) did not match anyone in our family. There was no full name for the bio-father but there was a lot of detail and through the description of the father's siblings I think I have a solid idea who it I gave…


1. The way she looks at me when I am being an impatient asshole wanker, with amusement and pity. She was very good at humouring me.
2. Her constant willingness to fatten me up while she sticks to her sensible eating plan.
3. The fruity scones she brings me!
4. Making her tea with lots of milk, no sugar, Barb Style!
5. Her confessions of cookie eating at home,  witness free, when she could have taken the secret to the grave.
6. Commiserating about food and fatness, justifying each other’s existence.
7. The noise she makes when she talks about cooking dinner and eating…like a hungry but cute rodent.

8. The daily updates about her family trials and tribulations.
9. The look of love on her face when she talks about her mom, it is a love we should all have for our mother’s but rarely do.
10. Gus & Belle Doggy Shenanigans…Who has the trots? A hot spot? Who peed 4x in the night? Who threw up on a walk?
11. Gossip sessions about work.
12. Rides home…and when I forget my phone at work she …


Today would be Baby Finn's 17th birthday. Unfortunately, Finn did not survive the transition from womb to world...Looking back - it was a very terrible time, that goes without saying I guess. I can say in all honesty it was one of the saddest things to watch happen to 2 lovely people who had so much to offer that baby...the rest of the noise (the politics, details and power struggles) falls to the wayside now. I think about him often, especially on his birthday, imagining him as a teenager...imagining how his mom and dad's life would be completely different.

Happy Birthday Finn....wish you had stayed around  so we all got to see who you were going to look like....and see whose personality you would have taken on...guhhh still so sad - the lifetime of what ifs. Cruel. xo

Who's got the lucky sperm?!?!?!

I was going to write about suicide but I changed my mind. The death of Chris Cornell was a shocker. He had made it, it seemed....survived all the rough unsolicited and uneducated theory is Chris Cornell was happy in his life and his brain just malfunctioned due to a prescription medication. He did not consciously choose to leave his 3 children and his wife to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts - he would not do that. His brain just broke and help did not make it in time. I would find comfort in that as someone left behind...eventually. Such a devastating burden for those 3 kids to lug around for their whole lives...he just would not do that if he was in his right mind, no way. RIP to the beauty who wore duct tape shorts like no one else..... 

Eddie Vedder, you better check your shit b/c you are the only grunge singer left.

On a more uplifting last post about finding out that who I thought was my dad isn't actually my dad via Ancestry DNA...check thi…

Well....insert gobsmacked noise here

Remember that last post about how I was getting my paternal half sister Sara to test her DNA so I could confirm we actually had the same dad (Gord).... match. Not even one stupid little DNA thingy.

You can imagine that was a bit of a surprise...
A little overwhelming for a bit until I started rationalizing it all. Gord has never given me the time of day and was not a whole lot different with his other kids so there is no real loss there - aside from the the strange comfort of just knowing where you come from...that I took for granted...clearly.

It was a little sad to have to have this talk with Sara and acknowledge there was no familial connection after all...her and I have been pals for 17 yrs, since I first contacted Gord by mail. In all that time he has never spoken to me, he simply handed my letter to Sara (who was a teenager at the time) and washed his hands of it all. Sara and I kept in touch and I got to know Gord's sister Isobel, who has been a lovely aunty to me…

My DNA is Driving Me CRAY-CRAY

So...a while ago I had this epiphany to ask my half sister Sara if she would get the AncestryDNA test done so that I could confirm 100% that we had the same bio-father. Not knowing him personally, there is always something in the back of my mind, niggling away that there is a chance he is not my bio-father. I realize this likely stems from the fact that I have little to no trust in anyone, most especially the people who were making decisions about my life as a child. I think the track record there proves that I was not on top of anyone's priority list so it is not a far stretch to imagine "the story" could be one of convenience.

At almost 47 the "who" of this situation/mystery is fairly inconsequential. I have come to terms with the fatherlessness that has been a dark shadow following me around my whole life - I no longer take it personally, indifference has crept in over the years and I rarely think about it at all. Doing the genealogy has brought up some what …

Saturday Night




Buying Music,

Stealing Music,



Warmed Up,

New Desk Coming,

Using Table Now,

Too Much Paper In My Life,

But If There Is A Paper Famine

I Will Be Ready

While All You Sorry Bastards Have Nothing To Write On.


Kid Ignores Me A Lot,

It Is How She Survives Living Here,

Can You Imagine Being Offered Free Rent And Food

And Being Bitter About It?


Of Course Not,

You Are Reasonable.


Shut it

Here is the scenario....a guy we will call Dick has custody of his daughter. The daughter's mom loves her daughter hard...huge bond there, always was.

She doesn't pay child support, she should - no BS there but for whatever reason she doesn't. I suspect this is likely due to the double standard still out there about gender and child support and also that Dick is a high earner and mom is not. But here is the thing...Dick could have gone to court like any of the millions of mothers out there have had to do to get a little something extra from their children's other parent...but he did not...instead he clearly prefers to use that detail as part of his shtick (rhymes with Dick) to play the hero and attempt to make his daughter's mother look like a bad parent.

Dick was very abusive to his daughter's mother while they were together and continued this beahviour after their split in a textbook fashion. Grinding her down...bit by bit....eroding her confidenc…

Stark Contrast

Arlyn Pillay (artist) and his mother were murdered recently - it looks as though Arlyn's brother did it...and when I looked on the father's Facebook page there is this stream of condolences and sadness and then BANG - Jan 22 2017 Anandha Pillay posts about eating a smoked salmon breakfast. The stark contrast of reality just hits you. One day you are going about your life with your wife and son alive and well, enjoying a delicious breakfast...a few days later your world is shit....full of loss and unimaginable pain. How do you handle a loved one murdering 2 of your loved ones? It is unfathomable. Poor old guy is in for the mindfuck of his life I am sad to say....I cannot imagine.

The state of world affairs has proven to be exhausting and is so ridiculous that I am in tune out mode. Until there is a movement to seriously discredit and dismantle this joke of a president I am tuning out. I will go about my life and donate to Planned Parenthood, the Standing Rock Sioux and the ACLU…


Has the world gone mad? Who are these Trumpkin people who voted for him? Even if you were a HRC hater you could NOT have though that big, orange clown was qualified, right? It cannot just be obvious to me that he was a was so overt.

I am perplexed that anyone would ever vote for him, fast fwd to today where he is now the POTUS...ha ha ha What in the sweet baby Jesus fuck is that? A few things I love about this despite the tragedy of it all:

1) I love that he is so pissed that so few ppl showed up for his inauguration - esp when the next day the crowds were massive protesting him.

2) I love that he is already lying about it....bahahahahha omg he thinks we do not know.

3) His comb-over & pussy grabbing has inspired my latest Instagram hashtag: #grabthepotusbythecombover

4) At some point most of the lunatics (not all b/c we all know that there are just a percentage of ppl that are just too dumb to truly understand what this all means) are going to start questio…