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What a way to start vacation...

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Last week the DNA results finally came in...it confirmed that Al was my biological father.

WOOHOO!

You cannot imagine the relief. Relief mainly b/c I was glad I did not have to resume a search and also b/c I really thought he was the guy...so I would have felt like a big dummy if he wasn't.

We emailed a little and agreed to talk this weekend and this morning he called so I got to talk to him and his wife - it was really great. Zero awkwardness, they are pretty easy going and personable so the conversation was effortless. Al seems like a real character...I think I know where I got my smartassedness from. Great sense of humor...looking forward to some more phone calls and eventually meeting later. His wife, Huguette, has a brother that lives in Victoria so they come here periodically already - very convenient.

I cannot help but feel this is far weirder for them than it is for me so I will continue to be sensitive to that and just go with the flow. So far so good!

Today I accidentally painted on a spider and accidentally cut a spider's leg off...

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It was a bad day to be a spider in my yard today...the cut off leg one was me trying to get the spider out of a plat I was repotting and I snipped it just shooing it...sorry spiders, please do not invade my bedroom.
I just threw up on myself from coughing so I feel very weirdly relaxed right now, drinking tea, cool breeze blowing in my bedroom window. About 30 songs on shuffle...it is a Jeff Buckley, Noah Gundersen, Edward Sharp & the Magnetic Zeros, John Paul White and Gregory Alan Isakov kind of night in musicland....
So much DNA/Ancestry action going on these days. Very intense is the business of paternity...it is so different for everyone...ranging from apathetic to obsessed. I want to know who my sperm donor/daddio is but the ship has sailed on it really altering my life too much. A nice Hollywood happy ending would be fantastic...but...you know...let's remember who we are dealing with here...a person who avoids emotions like the plague. I would prefer to step over smelly…

The Poverty of Expectation

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I got the DNA test kit that I am sending up to my "maybe daddy" today - he is happily willing to do the test to solve this mystery which is absolutely amazing. Funny how a kind, reasonable act comes off as amazingly heroic when you are used to the men in your life being consistently disappointing. (I recognize that is a sad tribute to my life thus far haha) It will take a few months to get results but...I am pretty stoked...and probably letting myself get a little too convinced he is the one.
Coincidentally...I got a 2nd cousin match on my Ancestry acct the other day. I messaged her and got her story about being put up for adoption in the 60s...I got all the details and determined we must be related through her birth father b/c her mom's info (full name, etc) did not match anyone in our family. There was no full name for the bio-father but there was a lot of detail and through the description of the father's siblings I think I have a solid idea who it is....so I gave…

20 THINGS I WILL MISS ABOUT MY BOSS WHO RETIRES TOMORROW

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1. The way she looks at me when I am being an impatient asshole wanker, with amusement and pity. She was very good at humouring me.
2. Her constant willingness to fatten me up while she sticks to her sensible eating plan.
3. The fruity scones she brings me!
4. Making her tea with lots of milk, no sugar, Barb Style!
5. Her confessions of cookie eating at home,  witness free, when she could have taken the secret to the grave.
6. Commiserating about food and fatness, justifying each other’s existence.
7. The noise she makes when she talks about cooking dinner and eating…like a hungry but cute rodent.

8. The daily updates about her family trials and tribulations.
9. The look of love on her face when she talks about her mom, it is a love we should all have for our mother’s but rarely do.
10. Gus & Belle Doggy Shenanigans…Who has the trots? A hot spot? Who peed 4x in the night? Who threw up on a walk?
11. Gossip sessions about work.
12. Rides home…and when I forget my phone at work she …

Finn

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Today would be Baby Finn's 17th birthday. Unfortunately, Finn did not survive the transition from womb to world...Looking back - it was a very terrible time, that goes without saying I guess. I can say in all honesty it was one of the saddest things to watch happen to 2 lovely people who had so much to offer that baby...the rest of the noise (the politics, details and power struggles) falls to the wayside now. I think about him often, especially on his birthday, imagining him as a teenager...imagining how his mom and dad's life would be completely different.

Happy Birthday Finn....wish you had stayed around  so we all got to see who you were going to look like....and see whose personality you would have taken on...guhhh still so sad - the lifetime of what ifs. Cruel. xo

Who's got the lucky sperm?!?!?!

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I was going to write about suicide but I changed my mind. The death of Chris Cornell was a shocker. He had made it, it seemed....survived all the rough patches...my unsolicited and uneducated theory is Chris Cornell was happy in his life and his brain just malfunctioned due to a prescription medication. He did not consciously choose to leave his 3 children and his wife to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts - he would not do that. His brain just broke and help did not make it in time. I would find comfort in that as someone left behind...eventually. Such a devastating burden for those 3 kids to lug around for their whole lives...he just would not do that if he was in his right mind, no way. RIP to the beauty who wore duct tape shorts like no one else..... 

Eddie Vedder, you better check your shit b/c you are the only grunge singer left.

On a more uplifting note....my last post about finding out that who I thought was my dad isn't actually my dad via Ancestry DNA...check thi…

Well....insert gobsmacked noise here

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Remember that last post about how I was getting my paternal half sister Sara to test her DNA so I could confirm we actually had the same dad (Gord)....

Well...no match. Not even one stupid little DNA thingy.

You can imagine that was a bit of a surprise...
A little overwhelming for a bit until I started rationalizing it all. Gord has never given me the time of day and was not a whole lot different with his other kids so there is no real loss there - aside from the the strange comfort of just knowing where you come from...that I took for granted...clearly.

It was a little sad to have to have this talk with Sara and acknowledge there was no familial connection after all...her and I have been pals for 17 yrs, since I first contacted Gord by mail. In all that time he has never spoken to me, he simply handed my letter to Sara (who was a teenager at the time) and washed his hands of it all. Sara and I kept in touch and I got to know Gord's sister Isobel, who has been a lovely aunty to me…

My DNA is Driving Me CRAY-CRAY

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So...a while ago I had this epiphany to ask my half sister Sara if she would get the AncestryDNA test done so that I could confirm 100% that we had the same bio-father. Not knowing him personally, there is always something in the back of my mind, niggling away that there is a chance he is not my bio-father. I realize this likely stems from the fact that I have little to no trust in anyone, most especially the people who were making decisions about my life as a child. I think the track record there proves that I was not on top of anyone's priority list so it is not a far stretch to imagine "the story" could be one of convenience.

At almost 47 the "who" of this situation/mystery is fairly inconsequential. I have come to terms with the fatherlessness that has been a dark shadow following me around my whole life - I no longer take it personally, indifference has crept in over the years and I rarely think about it at all. Doing the genealogy has brought up some what …

Saturday Night

Purging,

Rearranging,

Recycling,

Buying Music,

Stealing Music,

Thirsty,

Waiting,

Warmed Up,

New Desk Coming,

Using Table Now,

Too Much Paper In My Life,

But If There Is A Paper Famine

I Will Be Ready

While All You Sorry Bastards Have Nothing To Write On.

MuHahahahahhaha

Kid Ignores Me A Lot,

It Is How She Survives Living Here,

Can You Imagine Being Offered Free Rent And Food

And Being Bitter About It?

No.

Of Course Not,

You Are Reasonable.

Someday.


Shut it

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Here is the scenario....a guy we will call Dick has custody of his daughter. The daughter's mom loves her daughter hard....so hard...huge bond there, always was.

She doesn't pay child support, she should - no BS there but for whatever reason she doesn't. I suspect this is likely due to the double standard still out there about gender and child support and also that Dick is a high earner and mom is not. But here is the thing...Dick could have gone to court like any of the millions of mothers out there have had to do to get a little something extra from their children's other parent...but he did not...instead he clearly prefers to use that detail as part of his shtick (rhymes with Dick) to play the hero and attempt to make his daughter's mother look like a bad parent.

Dick was very abusive to his daughter's mother while they were together and continued this beahviour after their split in a textbook fashion. Grinding her down...bit by bit....eroding her confidenc…

Stark Contrast

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Arlyn Pillay (artist) and his mother were murdered recently - it looks as though Arlyn's brother did it...and when I looked on the father's Facebook page there is this stream of condolences and sadness and then BANG - Jan 22 2017 Anandha Pillay posts about eating a smoked salmon breakfast. The stark contrast of reality just hits you. One day you are going about your life with your wife and son alive and well, enjoying a delicious breakfast...a few days later your world is shit....full of loss and unimaginable pain. How do you handle a loved one murdering 2 of your loved ones? It is unfathomable. Poor old guy is in for the mindfuck of his life I am sad to say....I cannot imagine.

The state of world affairs has proven to be exhausting and is so ridiculous that I am in tune out mode. Until there is a movement to seriously discredit and dismantle this joke of a president I am tuning out. I will go about my life and donate to Planned Parenthood, the Standing Rock Sioux and the ACLU…

Seriously?

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Has the world gone mad? Who are these Trumpkin people who voted for him? Even if you were a HRC hater you could NOT have though that big, orange clown was qualified, right? It cannot just be obvious to me that he was a fool...it was so overt.

I am perplexed that anyone would ever vote for him, clearly...now fast fwd to today where he is now the POTUS...ha ha ha What in the sweet baby Jesus fuck is that? A few things I love about this despite the tragedy of it all:

1) I love that he is so pissed that so few ppl showed up for his inauguration - esp when the next day the crowds were massive protesting him.

2) I love that he is already lying about it....bahahahahha omg he thinks we do not know.

3) His comb-over & pussy grabbing has inspired my latest Instagram hashtag: #grabthepotusbythecombover

4) At some point most of the lunatics (not all b/c we all know that there are just a percentage of ppl that are just too dumb to truly understand what this all means) are going to start questio…

FROM CANADA: And the winner is.....

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NOBODY!!!!

That was an incredibly nerve racking US election. I am not even American and I was fully invested. Obviously, today was "grief" day...where everyone had a whole day for it all to sink in. Gobsmacked is an understatement...the most maddening part is HRC won the most votes....yet still lost due to that electoral college BS. Canada has a similar set up currently, the person with the most votes does not necessarily become Prime Minister - voter reform in the works hopefully if the federal Liberals keep that election promise. The thing that really gets me is the vote splitting...

Vote splitting is an electoral effect in which the distribution of votes among multiple similar candidates reduces the chance of winning for any of the similar candidates, and increases the chance of winning for a dissimilar candidate.

All these people who just could not make themselves vote for HRC and voted for the ghost candidates, voting their conscience...oh go fuck yourself. Are you fuc…

Worse blogger....

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Worst blogger...ok maybe not BUT still....

So what is going on....let's see...Chris and his daughter are in Nepal having their 1st visit in 12 years - I am extremely excited to hear his account of their visit and what it was like for him.

I have been busy dabbling in genealogy - my Aunty Cathy did a butt load of work on this about 10 years ago so a lot of it is already done and confirmed but it is interesting to see all the new stuff that is now online just 10 yrs later. Finding out some fun stuff....well mostly just having little light bulbs go off b/c I have known so much of this info just hadn't connected to dots. Seeing it all inputted online with photos (I am a visual person!) makes it click so much more.

Picked up a some concert tickets today....Beach Boys...David Sedaris...Henry Rollins...a few opera shows...and tomorrow Adam Ant tickets go on sale! I have lured Adele all the way from Ponoka, AB to come see him in Vancouver in February!!!!! EXCITINGGG!!! She was all abou…

Why has blogging become so hard?

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There - I said it. Blogging is hard. I am not sure if it is b/c we/I have become so consumed by the instantaneous nature of social media or the fact I have a rotten desk chair...I have a new chair coming soon which I hope will make sitting at my desk slightly less of a chore.

Miss A arrived home from the UK last week, enamored with the place...she had a great time in Scotland and visiting London and Brighton Beach. The good thing about her coming home 1 day before school starts full time is there was no time to do that post-travel lament that she tends to do...she is always sad to come home, that girl loves traveling...a lot. So with no real time to make me go insane with her whining lament it has been decent around here. ha!

Sent my Ancestry DNA kit last week....really excited to see the results, though I am sure the results will be mostly non-exotic European (boring) it will still be a kick to see the percentage breakdowns...I assume mostly Scottish with some British and Irish maybe.…

Long time no talkie....get ready...we are ovary due!

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What can I say....? Not having a comfortable desk chair is impacting my blogging schedule.

Getting old has made for some interesting neurosis'...I have super human smell abilities right now (worse than when I was pregnant) which makes many things in life quite gross (cooking smells at night drive me nuts)....becoming sensitive to loud noise (most especially dishes clanging, and at night...much worse at night)...just over all less tolerant about things that never even registered with me in the past...the beginnings of menopause has been great fun...aside from the massive hair loss (FTW!) over the last 5 years and the dreadful period symptoms...now that the period part is sporadic and all over the map (generally unreliable which was the only good thing about it for the last 30 years) you never know when you are going to ruin some bed sheets or pants....30 years of fertility....gone...poof!...my eggs are no longer dropping....my ovaries ran out of eggs....this is a weird moment in tim…

Staggering....

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Ever had the staggering realization about just how massively insignificant you are in the world...? No self-depreciation here, just seriously legit awareness that aside from maybe 20 ppl my death will affect no one else...and within 6 mths those 20 will have moved on as well....and within not too long of a time after that they will all be dead and there will be no real trace of me on earth. Amazing...we spend our lives trying to convince ourselves how fucking important we are...how smart, attractive, funny, caring, etc...it matters so very little outside your little cocooned existence. Being nice to the people you love in the present tense seems to make the most sense and also LIVING life in the moment...I am so very shitty at that.

Pretty sure I am entering the menopause zone...I could not be happier to be potentially rid of all breeding potential.



Family of the Attachment Disordered

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I love my family...all of them, even the ones I don't like...I still love them. Upon reflecting on my own personal attachment disorder (pretty sure I could pick one or 2 out of the DSM [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders] that would suit me) I began to look at the tier above me in my family and see they all have something similar...go one more tier up...oh same thing....see a pattern here?

I was determined to shower Ms A with love and affection and did so quite effectively...that came fairly natural...and my dislike of hugging does not extend to her, it never has...even during the 5 years of personal teenage hell - though I can assure you we did not hug as much as we should have during that time...I was too busy hanging a bag of pop cans on my bedroom door so I would hear her coming in to kill me at night. She is super huggy and affectionate to friends and family and this pleases me greatly...mission accomplished.

It is a complex pot of life stew that has made m…

29th of May - Just go away...

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It is 9:47am on a Sunday and I am already showered, dressed and ready to leave the house. I am motivated by wanting to go get some succulents to plant outside in a few bare parts of the side garden...also I need to check my raccoon cayenne pepper trap. Since I discovered it was raccoons crapping in my side garden I dusted with cayenne paper and bought a motion activated croaking frog from the dollar store. Even though I won't witness the surprised raccoon I am very amused imagining the moment when the pooping raccoon (great band name - The Pooping Raccoons!) walks over to the area and is greeted by an obnoxious plastic frog croak x4. Ha!We get our kicks where we can get them at the age of 45.

So, Kim will drive me on a succulent mission today...and I will make a spaghetti sauce later. That is the day.

Where I work (being vague on purpose here) the big head head head honcho is coming Wed. for 1 hour, to bless us with her presence (not the head honcho you think if you know me but he…

Really Canada?

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Canada...are you really that stupid that you cannot see that this latest silliness in the House of Commons was a setup? I did not even vote Liberal and it looks pretty damn obvious to me...in fact I am feeling like my NDP vote was cast in error after this bullshit. Mulcair looks like a desperate fool trying to make this stunt work.

The last thing Canada needs right now is to compete for the 1st place idiot award against the USA...and that is exactly what this is - IDIOCY. What I cannot figure out is why the whip did not just down the other side of the aisle...unless he was part of it all...either way - it is ridiculous and I hope everyone involved feels the shame they should...naturally the media is not focusing on that - gawd no...I am detesting media more and more. They spoon-feed the masses and we lap it up like brain-dead morons for the most part. Canada is not much better than the US in that regard either so we need to get off our high horse thinking we are so much better than th…

New New New

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I haven't had a desk (don't until tomorrow actually) since moving but I set up a tv tray for my keyboard to do a bit of computering this evening. Miss A is out and Kim moves in tomorrow...looking fwd to living room furniture...it has been well over 1 month where we either sit at the kitchen table or lay in bed haha

My last eye appt was a Debbie Downer man....my eyes are now to the point that I need glasses for distance (which was the usual) but they have gotten bad enough that now I have to take them off for looking close up and that middle computer distance is a no mans land of friggin blindness... UGHHHH! So annoying...was hoping to avoid progressives but I think on my next eye Dr visit in 2 years I will have to relent. Add in that my eyes are severely dry (seriously...like zero eyeball lube going on, had to start using eye GEL, take supplements and wear a heated eye mask to bed (that stimulates the oil glands in your eyeballs by the way)...getting old is awesome.

The Age of…

Off I go....

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...to wander around Vancouver. I forget that Vancouver is almost like a funny little island...with that said - no earthquakes this weekend please!


Jen arguing with strangers on the internet.....

Kim: I have studied, discussed and seen a lot of art in my life. It varied greatly in style and approach. This is not art.

Jenny: Wow Alysha Farling I guess you aren't an artist after all. Hmmmf. Imagine that. Way to go dream killer Kim. In all seriousness, just b/c you do not like it doesn't mean it is not art. Not liking it is fine...being stuck up is something else. Back to you "expert".
Alison: Well, art is whatever the artist says it is, in Dada speak.
Justin: Agree with this comment.
Matt: Looks like a pile of garbage..
A Far Away Land: thats because
A Far Away Land: ...it is
Kim: Jenny Actually you know NOTHING about me or my art work. I am an accomplished artist, who has supported themselves both via my own commissoned art sales and instruction. If you had read my comment closely you would have seen that I DO consider a wide variety of approaches to art to be valid, but "just because I want to" isn't now, nor has it ever been a founding tool for art. A…