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Fernwood Street Art

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Postcards

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Brain Fatigue

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My new dad was in town in May.
It is a strange thing to get to know a parent at 47.
Grateful to have the opportunity before it was too late of course but strange nonetheless.
I self-monitor fairly well and I find my reaction and emotions most intriguing.
At 47 I feel like a honey badger...giving no shits about so many things that used to matter so much. I don't generally care if ppl like me, I don't care if people expect things of me, I say fuck you to obligatory things as often as I can if I do not feel they are genuinely important to me, etc. You get the idea...then you have a new dad come along and blow your shit up...because suddenly a bunch of things you never really felt weird about suddenly bubble to the surface. Al is a super chill dude...this is all me...as per usual.
Admittedly, I do not have great experience interacting with the male species. Ultimately my penchant for being unmarried and unpaired is how I deal with my inability to relate to and trust the male specie…

24

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My kid just turned 24...that is the age my brother was when he killed himself 18 years ago. It is very strange to watch a 24 year old as an adult and re-examine the past through these older eyes. 
My daughter seems so very young despite her world travel and life experience. My brother had far less life experience at the time. I wish he could have broken free from the bonds of a messy childhood and morphed into the last of adults...I wish that would have given him a different perspective about his life. None of his issues were permanent aside from the messy childhood mindfuckery of course...I wish he would have moved away and left all the ghosts behind and started fresh. I wish a lot of things....and I see things so very differently at 47 - on a variety of topics...it really is true that you start to care less about certain things with age and in turn care more about other things that used to not matter as much.
Happy 24th Sprog o' Mine...still the best thing on earth. 💛


Oops.

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How many abandoned blogs are there on the Internet I wonder? I think about when I am dead how this blog is likely to remain until the earth as we know it ceases to exist. Lately I have been considering how our future earth will look when I apply the AI theory to it...think about that for a moment...as we keep getting better and better making robots and working towards artificial intelligence - eventually we will make something that will be intelligent enough to improve itself at a capacity I can hardly register...once this happens there is nothing stopping technology from just taking over. Just think about it. If they can think for themselves and problem solve there is not much use for us limited humans. Can you tell I listened to a podcast about AI this afternoon?

Back to the abandoned blogs...I have been a sad blogger these past few years. Communication in general...I don't even love talking on the phone anymore...I feel so rushed all the time in my mind and I am not sure why b/…

Invisibility, it is a cloak of good fortune...

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I had a very brief window of physical desirability in my youth - then I got knocked up. By desirability I mean when men would cat call and scream I LOVE YOUR TITS from across a bar (this is a skewed definition of desirability, I do recognize this)...was not a fan of such attention but it sadly did boost one's self esteem and somehow tugged it back down, simultaneously.

Having spent most of my life prior to this brief window and after being essentially invisible I can safely assert that being invisible has more perks (pardon that poor pun)... I was thinking about what a weird blessing it was at 20 to be too young and naive to truly understand how vulnerable I was - especially when partaking in ridiculous high risk behaviour (drinking, hitchhiking, telephone dating (haha), etc.). I wondered if my daughter has any true idea how vulnerable she is out there in the world...if she did I feel like she would empathize with my worry/spazziness more. She is creeped out much more easily than …

Throw off your shame or be a slave to the system...

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I have a counselling appt tomorrow...I am going simply b/c I logically know I should go try and learn some new life skills...I do not like the process of having to talk about things that are real and raw and touchy...but it is a means to an end clearly. I have wasted a lot of my life stewing in rage that has not served me well...at my age I have no one to blame but myself for this. I make jokes about everything being my mom's fault but that shit only maintains validity for so long... With all these new dad changes and developments recently it has been impossible to not what if myself to the brink of madness. Al made a very good point over fries and gravy that had he known about me when I was born nothing would have likely changed for me...which is very honest and true. I still would have lived with my mother and been dragged along on all her marital adventures BUT...part of me likes to live in the land of delusion and imagine a life where once Al married Huguette I was whisked awa…

Sneaky surprises...

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It has been a couple of days since I flew up to Prince George to meet my newly discovered (via DNA test on Ancestry.ca) dad, Al.

I was very nervous....and full of dread. You really put yourself out there when you venture into uncharted waters...I am not good with putting myself out there. I am the avoider of all emotion. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. Only let it out in extremely small bits to ensure a true breach is not possible. A true breach = death...an emotional one. Dramatic, hey? Yeah I know...welcome to my emotional state.
So...I get on this damn airplane and I fly to the city of my birth...I must do this, without question. I have spent my life rejected by who I thought was my father, feeling anger and utter wonder about his behaviour, or lack thereof. To this day I cannot understand how someone could ignore a child...this feeling was echoed greatly when my child's own father did the exact same thing for over a decade to her. It is something I will never be a…