Wednesday, June 7, 2017


1. The way she looks at me when I am being an impatient asshole wanker, with amusement and pity. She was very good at humouring me.

2. Her constant willingness to fatten me up while she sticks to her sensible eating plan.

3. The fruity scones she brings me!

4. Making her tea with lots of milk, no sugar, Barb Style!

5. Her confessions of cookie eating at home, 
witness free, when she could have taken the secret to the grave.

6. Commiserating about food and fatness, justifying each other’s existence.

7. The noise she makes when she talks about cooking dinner and eating…like a hungry but cute rodent.

8. The daily updates about her family trials and tribulations.

9. The look of love on her face when she talks about her mom, it is a love we should all have for our mother’s but rarely do.

10. Gus & Belle Doggy Shenanigans…Who has the trots? A hot spot? Who peed 4x in the night? Who threw up on a walk?

11. Gossip sessions about work.

12. Rides home…and when I forget my phone at work she turns around and drives me back without even grimacing.

13. Kindness, generosity, friendship and laughs….so much goodness!

14. When she gets riled up and does the UK version of the bird, sticking 2 fingers up in the air…HA!

15. Hearing about the constant comparisons between myself and her husband Kim…cranky, no-nonsense cynics.

16. Her buffer of protection at work between us and the powers that be that rarely held our interests in the same light as Barb did.

17. Performance Reviews that always lacked the negative bits.

18. Our shared joy in watching YouTube videos of people wiping out or getting scared.

19. Her willingness to sign off on anything we
needed around the office.

20. Her daily smiling, friendly face, even though it would annoy me on my cranky days – I will still miss it because she is the only person around here that means it – genuinely.

Congrats on your retirement Barb - XO

Friday, May 26, 2017


Today would be Baby Finn's 17th birthday. Unfortunately, Finn did not survive the transition from womb to world...Looking back - it was a very terrible time, that goes without saying I guess. I can say in all honesty it was one of the saddest things to watch happen to 2 lovely people who had so much to offer that baby...the rest of the noise (the politics, details and power struggles) falls to the wayside now. I think about him often, especially on his birthday, imagining him as a teenager...imagining how his mom and dad's life would be completely different.

Happy Birthday Finn....wish you had stayed around  so we all got to see who you were going to look like....and see whose personality you would have taken on...guhhh still so sad - the lifetime of what ifs. Cruel. xo

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Who's got the lucky sperm?!?!?!

I was going to write about suicide but I changed my mind. The death of Chris Cornell was a shocker. He had made it, it seemed....survived all the rough unsolicited and uneducated theory is Chris Cornell was happy in his life and his brain just malfunctioned due to a prescription medication. He did not consciously choose to leave his 3 children and his wife to pick up the pieces of their shattered hearts - he would not do that. His brain just broke and help did not make it in time. I would find comfort in that as someone left behind...eventually. Such a devastating burden for those 3 kids to lug around for their whole lives...he just would not do that if he was in his right mind, no way. RIP to the beauty who wore duct tape shorts like no one else..... 

Eddie Vedder, you better check your shit b/c you are the only grunge singer left.

On a more uplifting last post about finding out that who I thought was my dad isn't actually my dad via Ancestry DNA...check this out...
Upon realizing this paternity thing was all bogus I began looking at my DNA matches on Ancestry. Suddenly these matches mattered a bit I figured out which were maternal and which were paternal using my half sister Kim's results - so there I was with a handful of paternal matches. One I had already been talking with when I thought I knew who the connection was and she did not have any info that helped narrow down the possibilities so I wrote to another one, Nichole. Keep in mind most ppl do not even reply to these inquiries but I lucked out and Nichole was lovely and passed me over to her dad who is the genealogy guy of the family. Her dad, Neil, also a lovely guy - asked where I was born and when and immediately told me he thought he knew who my dad was. 


Blew my mind in all honesty...even having a lead at all was amazing but so quickly...just nuts. So he thinks my dad is his cousin Al. Al's family moved from Manitoba to Prince George, BC and Al was in his early 20's when I was conceived and lived in PG at that time...Al is traveling currently but when he gets back Neil will talk to him and ask him if he will get tested so I can resolve it. He is away for another month still so I am being forced to practice the art of patience. 

I peeped a photo of Al.......despite it being a long shot we do have the same kind of hooded eyelids and squinty eyes when we smile....and dimples.....there is a resemblance....could be coinkidink...maybe not....time will tell. Wouldn't that be a bloody trip....? 

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Well....insert gobsmacked noise here

Remember that last post about how I was getting my paternal half sister Sara to test her DNA so I could confirm we actually had the same dad (Gord).... match. Not even one stupid little DNA thingy.

You can imagine that was a bit of a surprise...
A little overwhelming for a bit until I started rationalizing it all. Gord has never given me the time of day and was not a whole lot different with his other kids so there is no real loss there - aside from the the strange comfort of just knowing where you come from...that I took for granted...clearly.

It was a little sad to have to have this talk with Sara and acknowledge there was no familial connection after all...her and I have been pals for 17 yrs, since I first contacted Gord by mail. In all that time he has never spoken to me, he simply handed my letter to Sara (who was a teenager at the time) and washed his hands of it all. Sara and I kept in touch and I got to know Gord's sister Isobel, who has been a lovely aunty to me. Gord's other family or children never made contact. These 2 ladies were very warm and welcoming, despite the strange situation.

See, when I was 8 my mother was on one of her world destruction tours with me in tow and we were in Prince George (where I was born) and she took me to a man's house...all I really recall about it was he had a budgie in a cage and I was enamoured with it and he taught me some yo yo tricks. We left and as we were driving back to my grandparents house she told me "That was your real dad you know..." - only I thought the man I called Dad (Don) was my dad...they married when I was 3. I was really was not until we were back home in AB that I asked Lisa (Don's older daughter who was 3-4 years older than me) what it all meant and she explained that Don was HER dad not mine...that I was already born when my mom and her dad got married.

Light bulb went off. That is why she always used to mutter to me that he was more her dad than mine...I thought she did it just to piss me off and start a fight - but clearly she was just marking her territory. Many things suddenly made sense...esp later when it was glaringly apparent Don favored his own children over me. At some point after learning the truth I did receive a letter and photo from Gord....which has long since been destroyed via some teenage angst and rage. There was never any further contact until I wrote him when I was 30 or you see...this is not a devastating piece of information really.
A conversation with my mother was in order...I was supposed to be going up to visit family and was scheduled to see her the following evening but this little nugget of info was something that needed to be addressed ahead of time...I was not feeling like a phone call would be a great mom is not famous for her sensitive tone and I was feeling like it would end in a giant GFY from me I texted. I know that sounds so friggin lame and chicken shit but it was really the safest. To make a long story short....she doesn't know who my dad is if it is not Gord so....That was that. I did not go visit her while I was in town...too fresh.

My mom was 16 when she got pregnant with me. A year prior she had an accident and cracked her head open falling down some stairs...very serious. Her memory is very sketchy from back then, typical brain injury stuff, her brain was still healing...the effects from this brain injury have plagued me my whole one talked about brain injury back then but looking back on my life with her I can see very clearly how her decision making abilities and coping mechanisms were impaired. I have often pondered wtf she was thinking during certain world tours of destruction of yesteryear and a brain injury makes it all add up.

The only way I am going to have chance to figure out who my donor is if I get a close paternal DNA match online. Thus far the closest paternal matches I have are 3rd cousins and they are too distant to really figure anything most of them do not even answer messages. I am lucky that I have Kim's (my maternal half sister) DNA, it enables me to figure out which of my matches are maternal and paternal.

So, this is it...I wait around to see if I ever get a close enough match to investigate. Pretty good chance I will never know who it is since it is clear he has no idea he even has a random kid out he is likely in his 60's like my mother or already dead so....I get the odds of this mystery ever being solved are pretty slim.

I am fairly level headed about this but I am feeling some bitterness brewing. Despite giving my mom a lot of leeway here due to reasons previously mentioned it pisses me off that heading into my late 40's I could be sitting on stage at the Maury Povich show and fitting right in. The resentment and bitterness I hold dear to my heart for my mother - to my own detriment always - is an unfaltering beacon of rage that sits just below the surface...I keep stuffing it down, stuffing it down...b/c I feel like if it ever gets unleashed I will end up in prison or in a hospital...for a rest....with meds and padded walls. Dramatic? Perhaps... but not that unrealistic all things considered.

Very frustrating..slightly embarrassing.....and still fresh.

SIDENOTE: When Sara told her dad Gord about all of this he said he did not think I was his kid all along...but since no one ever asked him for money he never bothered to deal with any of it. Thanks asshole.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

My DNA is Driving Me CRAY-CRAY

So...a while ago I had this epiphany to ask my half sister Sara if she would get the AncestryDNA test done so that I could confirm 100% that we had the same bio-father. Not knowing him personally, there is always something in the back of my mind, niggling away that there is a chance he is not my bio-father. I realize this likely stems from the fact that I have little to no trust in anyone, most especially the people who were making decisions about my life as a child. I think the track record there proves that I was not on top of anyone's priority list so it is not a far stretch to imagine "the story" could be one of convenience.

At almost 47 the "who" of this situation/mystery is fairly inconsequential. I have come to terms with the fatherlessness that has been a dark shadow following me around my whole life - I no longer take it personally, indifference has crept in over the years and I rarely think about it at all. Doing the genealogy has brought up some what ifs though so I figured getting Sara on board for this test would be an easy fix...My other half sister Kim comes up as a "close family/first cousin" b/c we only share one parent so Sara should come up the same I imagine...I check every day to see if the results are in...and about a week ago I was struck with some anxiety that I hadn't thought through previously....what if Sara's dad was not my dad...then who the F is it? The unknown potential suddenly made Sara's dad appealing b/c, let's face it....better the devil you know than the devil you don't. Right?!! Ugh. I have since talked myself through that anxiety and decided to just carry one waiting for confirmation rather than a Jerry Springer/Maury Povich-like surprise. I rechecked some of my DNA matches online and there are matches to Sara's surname so it is more than likely that Sara's dad is mine as well. No one on that end of things seems to question it - that should be some indication as well since paternity-denial is such a prevalent reaction.

A friend of mine recently got the DNA test done to try and find her biological father and holy hell...what a crazy gong show...her family story is only one of a few that makes my own family history pale in comparison...the DNA matches have lead to some absolutely amazing connections that have completely blew my mind - so I can only imagine how it is all hitting her. I am grateful that she trusts me to bring me along on this journey with her b/c it has been a crazy ride...very reminiscent of the time that I was lucky enough to find my friend Chris's birth parents after his 20 year search was one big dead end...that was very intense as well and also something I was grateful to be part of. 

I am still loving this DNA business and wish I could afford to get kits for everyone in my family! haha So far Miss A had hers done and my sister Kim as well...just so interesting to me. Funny how uninterested some people are in this sort of thing. I would love to poll people and ask questions regarding their non-interest being due to the fact they have never had to question things of this nature or always knew - without a doubt - their parentage/family background. I should have been a scientist. Ha! Or a private investigator....or a Pop-Up Video writer....or someone working at Cards Against Humanity....

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Saturday Night




Buying Music,

Stealing Music,



Warmed Up,

New Desk Coming,

Using Table Now,

Too Much Paper In My Life,

But If There Is A Paper Famine

I Will Be Ready

While All You Sorry Bastards Have Nothing To Write On.


Kid Ignores Me A Lot,

It Is How She Survives Living Here,

Can You Imagine Being Offered Free Rent And Food

And Being Bitter About It?


Of Course Not,

You Are Reasonable.


Sunday, March 5, 2017

Shut it

Here is the scenario....a guy we will call Dick has custody of his daughter. The daughter's mom loves her daughter hard...huge bond there, always was.

She doesn't pay child support, she should - no BS there but for whatever reason she doesn't. I suspect this is likely due to the double standard still out there about gender and child support and also that Dick is a high earner and mom is not. But here is the thing...Dick could have gone to court like any of the millions of mothers out there have had to do to get a little something extra from their children's other parent...but he did not...instead he clearly prefers to use that detail as part of his shtick (rhymes with Dick) to play the hero and attempt to make his daughter's mother look like a bad parent.

Dick was very abusive to his daughter's mother while they were together and continued this beahviour after their split in a textbook fashion. Grinding her down...bit by bit....eroding her confidence and will....encouraging her to kill herself on a weekly basis, name calling, withholding the child, threatening her with legal action, etc. He recently cut all ties between his daughter and her mother. Full force parental alienation happening now - he is even stopping his daughter's maternal family from contacting her unless they play along with the game that he is the King Dick of the Castle and his ex is a dirty rascal...see where this is going?

Tonight he played the poor me card on Facebook and it got me thinking that men likely use the fact that when women do not pay child support as a means to exert even more control over the situation...I think it gives them the upper hand. I can see examples of this within my own family. I hate insecure and emotionally retarded men who seek out women who have issues and go on to treat them poorly, controlling them however they can...exploiting them even further. Dick is a textbook abusive, controlling shit eater. His horrendous behaviour towards his child and her mother negates the good things he has done as a parent. It just undoes it all in my opinion. The level of selfishness - truly sad.
Sometimes parents have more to offer their children than a few hundred dollars a month...that should not be overlooked. I would have forgone the measly court ordered 200.00/mo in a flash if I could have traded it for a father who was genuinely interested in his daughter and had some love to offer a heartbeat!

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Stark Contrast

Arlyn Pillay (artist) and his mother were murdered recently - it looks as though Arlyn's brother did it...and when I looked on the father's Facebook page there is this stream of condolences and sadness and then BANG - Jan 22 2017 Anandha Pillay posts about eating a smoked salmon breakfast. The stark contrast of reality just hits you. One day you are going about your life with your wife and son alive and well, enjoying a delicious breakfast...a few days later your world is shit....full of loss and unimaginable pain. How do you handle a loved one murdering 2 of your loved ones? It is unfathomable. Poor old guy is in for the mindfuck of his life I am sad to say....I cannot imagine.

The state of world affairs has proven to be exhausting and is so ridiculous that I am in tune out mode. Until there is a movement to seriously discredit and dismantle this joke of a president I am tuning out. I will go about my life and donate to Planned Parenthood, the Standing Rock Sioux and the ACLU. Besides, we aren't exactly living in political bliss here in Canada. Trudeau has taken another step twds douchebaggery and decided electoral reform is off the table - despite relying on that heavily during the election. Couple that with the eagerness of him to promote the full on boner of fossil fuels (pipelines and other such bullshit) - he is on my shit list. Not in Harper fashion or anything of the like but you know...massive political disappointment has set in.

My sprog turned 23 yesterday....I bestowed upon her cash mostly and few little in particular was incredibly hilarious, in my opinion...a year+ ago a friend of ours made reference to a play on words that struck me as the funniest thing on earth at the time....I hadn't forgotten about it shockingly so I had it made into a t-shirt for Sprog's birthday. Now....I KNEW she would hate it and never wear it....perhaps as PJs....but never for real...and I was ok with that...all I wanted was ONE photo of her wearing it, then she could clean the toilet with it.....but NOPE. She was full on NOT INTO IT and her weird little prudish self kicked in and destroyed the good nature of the offering...she just gave it back to me right at the table HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA No lie. It is all rather amusing but does highlight the personality differences between us. The funny thing is, she has a great sense of humor but anything remotely dirty or filthy - she is just 100% not on board. Doesn't find the humor in it and will not engage. How this happened is beyond me b/c our whole family laugh loud and are never too shy to say or joke about anything....Genes are very interesting...a few days prior to her birthday I look her to the White Heather Tea Room for a delicious lunch that we both loved and enjoyed. It was a great afternoon with her....we walked, talked, dined, shopped....she was genuinely happy. She said it was redemption for her 18th birthday where I was a total asshole to her. I was. No defense. I bet she will bring it up every year anyway though haha

I am off to Vancouver tomorrow to meet up with Adele for the Adam Ant show....I am far more excited about this than I thought I would be....I am always happy to see Adele b/c we never get to see each other (she lives in Alberta) and she is a busy single mom of 2 kids and works FT, you know the drill....but I told her if she would get herself to Vancouver for the show I would pay for food, hotel and the tickets and I made sure to get her the VIP ticket so she gets a load of swag and early entry to the theatre for a good seat! I am really excited for her....Adam Ant has always been her favorite....I was lame and loves Rick Springfield and she was the Adam Ant fan. As far as cool factor goes - Adam Ant wins hands down, then and now.
I am going a day early to peruse the city solo (aka bra shopping, very glamorous)...I always get the same hotel, right downtown on Granville and Nelson so you cannot beat the commute...half block from The Vogue venue and then right in the thick of the city muck. Looking forward to getting away.

Saturday, January 21, 2017


Has the world gone mad? Who are these Trumpkin people who voted for him? Even if you were a HRC hater you could NOT have though that big, orange clown was qualified, right? It cannot just be obvious to me that he was a was so overt.

I am perplexed that anyone would ever vote for him, fast fwd to today where he is now the POTUS...ha ha ha What in the sweet baby Jesus fuck is that? A few things I love about this despite the tragedy of it all:

1) I love that he is so pissed that so few ppl showed up for his inauguration - esp when the next day the crowds were massive protesting him.

2) I love that he is already lying about it....bahahahahha omg he thinks we do not know.

3) His comb-over & pussy grabbing has inspired my latest Instagram hashtag: #grabthepotusbythecombover

4) At some point most of the lunatics (not all b/c we all know that there are just a percentage of ppl that are just too dumb to truly understand what this all means) are going to start questioning their they should and I hope they suffer greatly from guilt and shame for that flawed decision.

No Donald, don't grab my pussy!
5) I love how every day I just seem to look forward to the next thing that pisses him off - I am praying for an on air presidential hissy fit. I want him to be so mad he resigns. #onecandream

6) The First Lady Lady has nude photos on the internet. I am not prude and I do not care that she has nudes on the internet but it is just WEIRD that I have seen the First Lady's boobies and hoohaw.

7) I love waiting for him to screw up so bad that he gets ousted. I also love that there are already people working hard to make this happen

OK, enough about that asshat....sit back and watch the show.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

FROM CANADA: And the winner is.....


That was an incredibly nerve racking US election. I am not even American and I was fully invested. Obviously, today was "grief" day...where everyone had a whole day for it all to sink in. Gobsmacked is an understatement...the most maddening part is HRC won the most votes....yet still lost due to that electoral college BS. Canada has a similar set up currently, the person with the most votes does not necessarily become Prime Minister - voter reform in the works hopefully if the federal Liberals keep that election promise. The thing that really gets me is the vote splitting...

Vote splitting is an electoral effect in which the distribution of votes among multiple similar candidates reduces the chance of winning for any of the similar candidates, and increases the chance of winning for a dissimilar candidate.

All these people who just could not make themselves vote for HRC and voted for the ghost candidates, voting their conscience...oh go fuck yourself. Are you fucking seriously telling me that THIS outcome is better than HRC? You basically paved the way for Mr Cheeto to waltz into the White House with his idiot plagiarizing wife on his arm and nuke codes in his pocket. MORONIC. 

Even if you thought HRC was an elitist, greedy cretin - how is Mr Cheeto not those things also? He is not a regular guy...he is a crass, loud mouth, attention whore who says outlandish stuff for attention and laughs...all under the guise of being a regular guy...and a bunch of dipshit hillybilly, racist, misogynist Americans fell under his spell. You like what he stands for? Well that says a lot about you...shameful. You think he gives a shit about any of you? You are about to find out.

No political experience. No public service experience. All greed and deception. A breeder of fear and hate. The guy mixing the Kool-Aid for all the assholes of America who stood there with their glasses out. What a dreadful culture.

You know, I knew it was going to be bad last night...not just for Americans but for the world...and as neighbors to the US it is pretty close to home but it was not until I got a text from a friend in Maine asking if I would take her son in if the draft was brought back to life that it really sunk in how bad things could really get. Mr Cheeto could potentially toss the US back into the 50's...his racist rhetoric, his anti-abortion stance, his blatant misogyny, hate mongering and childish ideas about this even real?

It is sickening...and I feel so bad for my thinking American friends and family who are stuck with this clown for 4 years...and a republican house and senate...dark times.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Worse blogger....

Worst blogger...ok maybe not BUT still....

So what is going on....let's see...Chris and his daughter are in Nepal having their 1st visit in 12 years - I am extremely excited to hear his account of their visit and what it was like for him.

I have been busy dabbling in genealogy - my Aunty Cathy did a butt load of work on this about 10 years ago so a lot of it is already done and confirmed but it is interesting to see all the new stuff that is now online just 10 yrs later. Finding out some fun stuff....well mostly just having little light bulbs go off b/c I have known so much of this info just hadn't connected to dots. Seeing it all inputted online with photos (I am a visual person!) makes it click so much more.

Picked up a some concert tickets today....Beach Boys...David Sedaris...Henry Rollins...a few opera shows...and tomorrow Adam Ant tickets go on sale! I have lured Adele all the way from Ponoka, AB to come see him in Vancouver in February!!!!! EXCITINGGG!!! She was all about Adam Ant in grade 8 and I was all about Rick Springfield...(clearly I lost that cool contest)....not only will the show be a real hoot but it will be excellent to see Adele again, as always.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Why has blogging become so hard?

There - I said it. Blogging is hard. I am not sure if it is b/c we/I have become so consumed by the instantaneous nature of social media or the fact I have a rotten desk chair...I have a new chair coming soon which I hope will make sitting at my desk slightly less of a chore.

Miss A arrived home from the UK last week, enamored with the place...she had a great time in Scotland and visiting London and Brighton Beach. The good thing about her coming home 1 day before school starts full time is there was no time to do that post-travel lament that she tends to do...she is always sad to come home, that girl loves traveling...a lot. So with no real time to make me go insane with her whining lament it has been decent around here. ha!

Sent my Ancestry DNA kit last week....really excited to see the results, though I am sure the results will be mostly non-exotic European (boring) it will still be a kick to see the percentage breakdowns...I assume mostly Scottish with some British and Irish maybe....and potentially Dutch connections....have always been curious of the origins of the surname Conklin:

Conklin is a surname of unknown origin. Spelling variations include Concklin, Conkling, Conckeleyne, Coughlin, Couglin and others.


Hopeful the Dutch connection is false haha I do not know why....I just do not identify myself with Dutch heritage at all so it would be strange to find that out...anyway, it will be most interesting...cannot wait!! With my bio-father being born in Scotland and my maternal grandmothers family being from Scotland that is all I am really sure of.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Long time no talkie....get ready...we are ovary due!

What can I say....? Not having a comfortable desk chair is impacting my blogging schedule.

Getting old has made for some interesting neurosis'...I have super human smell abilities right now (worse than when I was pregnant) which makes many things in life quite gross (cooking smells at night drive me nuts)....becoming sensitive to loud noise (most especially dishes clanging, and at night...much worse at night)...just over all less tolerant about things that never even registered with me in the past...the beginnings of menopause has been great fun...aside from the massive hair loss (FTW!) over the last 5 years and the dreadful period that the period part is sporadic and all over the map (generally unreliable which was the only good thing about it for the last 30 years) you never know when you are going to ruin some bed sheets or pants....30 years of fertility....gone...poof! eggs are no longer ovaries ran out of eggs....this is a weird moment in take those little bastard eggs (pardon the pun) for granted for the most part....always making sure you do not get pregnant (except that ONE time....) b/c the eggs were always dropping like clockwork...if I have any eggs stuck up in the ovaries, like jammed really hard up in an ovarian crease, they are old and fucked ones that would produce less than optimal they should just stay stuck...not that there is anything to worry couldn't pay me enough to have sex with someone at the moment...ok wait...thinking this could PAY ME, sure - but I demand to be intoxicated and only remember the positive the good old days.

----yes I just basically said prostitution is within my morality realm----

Let's get real is easy to say that when you are 100%+ sure the opportunity will never be offered.
Let's see what I have.... a list of the 34 menopause symptoms: 

Common Symptoms: Hot Flashes (you know, I have no idea b/c I am always so damn hot), Night Sweats (same as above...jfc), Irregular Periods (yep), Loss of Libido (probably haha), Vaginal Dryness (this one always makes me laugh b/c unless you are having sex it doesn't really affect you so who knows...?), Mood Swings (lifelong disorder).
Changes: Fatigue (yep), Hair Loss (FML yes... #cry), Sleep Disorders (sleep is getting a bit weird these days), Difficulty Concentrating & Memory Lapses (this is now normal for me and I was convinced I had early Alzheimers, not even kidding but this symptom gives me hope it might go away eventually b/c I am currently dumb as fuck), Dizziness (yep), Weight Gain (another life long problem...awesome), Incontinence (ha ha ha awesome), Bloating (every-fucking-day haha), Allergies (HEY!I don't have any known allergies! FOR THE WIN!), Brittle Nails (yep), Changes in Odor (not sure what they mean here...b/c my sniffer is bionic so I can't really tell....I think I smell the same or b/c I am a bionic sniffer I am much more diligent in the hygiene dept and cancel it out...funny how I assume change in odor means "stank"...hahah), and Irregular Heartbeat ( I just thought I was gearing up for a massive jammer/heart attack...hmmm #keeptakingthatdailyaspirin), Depression (lifelong issue, who knows, I have actually had an uncanny ability to practice denial lately so whenever some bad shit creeeps into my head and I feel that dark cloud lingering I shut that shit down like a motherfucker and go on my merry way), Anxiety (yep or else I am just becoming mindful of it for the 1st time), Irritability (hahahahahahhaa since forever), Panic Disorder (no thank fuck).
Pains: Breast Pain, Headaches, Joint Pain (yes to all 3), Burning Tongue (no and I am quite grateful), Electric Shocks (what does this even mean?), Digestive Problems (yep), Gum Problems (no), Muscle Tension (yes), Itchy Skin (OMFG YES! This just changed my life), Tingling Extremities (gawd, wtf, yes......).
Others: Osteoporosis (something to look fwd to. #jfc)

Wasn't that fun? Wandering down the cruel reality of female life with me? Whoever reads this is now in tune with my menopausal should get a badge for that.

I am forcing myself to go out and garden despite the fact I have a summer cold (worse than winter colds somehow) and it is hot as gorilla balls outside...even for a bit...I am always glad I did. I am always glad I go on my 11pm Pokemon walks too....even if I did not get any that I didn't already have. As a 45 year old adult I cannot explain the sheer joy it is to acquire a Pokemon Go thing that you did not already have....a NEW POKEMON! It puzzles even me...I dunno why I care....I don't even know what Pokemons are....aliens? animals? bugs? mythological creatures? Who cares...they are fun and anything that gets me out walking is a gawd damn miracle.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016


Ever had the staggering realization about just how massively insignificant you are in the world...? No self-depreciation here, just seriously legit awareness that aside from maybe 20 ppl my death will affect no one else...and within 6 mths those 20 will have moved on as well....and within not too long of a time after that they will all be dead and there will be no real trace of me on earth. Amazing...we spend our lives trying to convince ourselves how fucking important we smart, attractive, funny, caring, matters so very little outside your little cocooned existence. Being nice to the people you love in the present tense seems to make the most sense and also LIVING life in the moment...I am so very shitty at that.

Pretty sure I am entering the menopause zone...I could not be happier to be potentially rid of all breeding potential.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Family of the Attachment Disordered

I love my family...all of them, even the ones I don't like...I still love them. Upon reflecting on my own personal attachment disorder (pretty sure I could pick one or 2 out of the DSM [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders] that would suit me) I began to look at the tier above me in my family and see they all have something similar...go one more tier up...oh same thing....see a pattern here?

I was determined to shower Ms A with love and affection and did so quite effectively...that came fairly natural...and my dislike of hugging does not extend to her, it never has...even during the 5 years of personal teenage hell - though I can assure you we did not hug as much as we should have during that time...I was too busy hanging a bag of pop cans on my bedroom door so I would hear her coming in to kill me at night. She is super huggy and affectionate to friends and family and this pleases me greatly...mission accomplished.

It is a complex pot of life stew that has made me an is not my go to action when I see people...though I am acutely aware if I am in the presence of someone who wants to hug and they are reading my body language and hanging back to accommodate my fuckeduppedness...b/c they are awesome. At the same time there are moments where I am happy for the bulldozer huggers who force me - Mary & Shawn are the top 2 bulldozer huggers...Shawn calls it 'rubbin' titties' which makes it fun to do with a gay man. In moments of emotion when I get hugged by someone upset I can power through it ok and not die inside...I understand the worth of the hug for them I just don't get it...the last thing I wanna do when I am sad is get a gawd damn hug from someone. I guess this stems from self-soothing so much in life...I do not require the contact of others to get me through a rough patch....I do however want to talk to someone on occasion which is atrue testament to the friendships I have forged with a few people in my life.

My go to is generally Connie...that girl knows me better than most even though we are rarely in each other vicinity. We have shared a lot of feelings since grade 8/9 in Ponoka Jr High...a lot of turmoil, experience, life shit....we have also had years of no contact which are something I truly regret...not having the skills to problem solve whatever immediate issue we were having....we always found our way back to each other though b/c - corny or not - we are connected in such a way that it is hard to ignore the others existence for long. We are both old enough and have acquired enough skill to navigate any weirdness that might come up now so I do not foresee us having any falling out periods again....beside we both recognize we are too old and life is too short for such bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like I need to start making myself hug ppl much more often just so it feels less awkward and know that whole philosophy that you should do things that you fear or do not like in order to conquer whatever it is that is your hang up...I do consider that....but like most things in my life I ponder and reflect and then go on doing sweet fuck all about it.

I am pretty good at ending friendships too...this stems mostly from being terrible at direct uncomfortable conversation (in the past)...I am not sure why it is so difficult for someone like myself (who is generally very candid and direct)...perhaps because if there is any sort of element where I am have to admit I have been hurt, devalued or damaged in some way by a person it is too vulnerable a place to admit that out loud....telling someone to go fuck themselves is much easier and satisfying. I swear - it should be compulsory to teach all children proper communication methods....instead we were taught to be polite, to suck it up, to be passive-aggressive. If every child was taught to be fearless and direct while practicing empathy the world would be a very different place.

So many skills that were not ingrained while my brain was still a sponge...sigh.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

29th of May - Just go away...

It is 9:47am on a Sunday and I am already showered, dressed and ready to leave the house. I am motivated by wanting to go get some succulents to plant outside in a few bare parts of the side garden...also I need to check my raccoon cayenne pepper trap. Since I discovered it was raccoons crapping in my side garden I dusted with cayenne paper and bought a motion activated croaking frog from the dollar store. Even though I won't witness the surprised raccoon I am very amused imagining the moment when the pooping raccoon (great band name - The Pooping Raccoons!) walks over to the area and is greeted by an obnoxious plastic frog croak x4. Ha!We get our kicks where we can get them at the age of 45.

So, Kim will drive me on a succulent mission today...and I will make a spaghetti sauce later. That is the day.

Where I work (being vague on purpose here) the big head head head honcho is coming Wed. for 1 hour, to bless us with her presence (not the head honcho you think if you know me but her underling of sorts) - I will either have diarrhea that day or be at a very important Dr appointment during that hour. I do not understand the fanfare, titles do not impress me. Impress me with the job you do...otherwise shove your title and facade of prestige up your ass. (This s precisely why I am going to remain low level at work - I cannot play the game - no good at it...)

Happy Birthday to my brother today....if he were alive he would be 40...that is a milestone - when you are alive...not so much when you kill yourself at 24. I am surprised how that rolls out of my mind now. Today is also the 19th anniversary of Jeff Buckley's death. Such an uplifting day (rolled my eyes right there at myself). Either way...I will toast to both of these idiots, idiots b/c they are dead and gone and did not need to be for different reasons.

One thing this new house needs is a personal chef. Is that too much to ask?

I will go make my own eggs and toast then since I just turned this into a shitty Debbie Downer post hahhaahahhaaa (I am actually smiling at myself right now).

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Really Canada?

Canada...are you really that stupid that you cannot see that this latest silliness in the House of Commons was a setup? I did not even vote Liberal and it looks pretty damn obvious to fact I am feeling like my NDP vote was cast in error after this bullshit. Mulcair looks like a desperate fool trying to make this stunt work.

The last thing Canada needs right now is to compete for the 1st place idiot award against the USA...and that is exactly what this is - IDIOCY. What I cannot figure out is why the whip did not just down the other side of the aisle...unless he was part of it all...either way - it is ridiculous and I hope everyone involved feels the shame they should...naturally the media is not focusing on that - gawd no...I am detesting media more and more. They spoon-feed the masses and we lap it up like brain-dead morons for the most part. Canada is not much better than the US in that regard either so we need to get off our high horse thinking we are so much better than them b/c we actually aren't. When I read the woman SUPPOSEDLY elbowed was "physically molested" I seriously LOL'd for real. She should be ashamed for her part in this...being the face of the fake assaulted....hahahhaa Gawd it is so stupid it is embarrassing. Makes me want to go elbow people in the tits all over town now.

In other is a long weekend. *RAHHH!!! CHEEER!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!* Who does not like a day off with pay....? That's right - NO ONE!
Even the worst day at home cleaning is better than a day at work.

I used my boss's hand lotion at work yesterday and I swear it is some kind of evil poison...I washed my hands 8x afterward, 5 of which were on purpose to try and get the smell off my hands but nope....this morning I can just barely smell it on my hands. I am pretty sure I am developing a weird old age condition that makes me offended by smells....I know all the smells that completely gross me out now have always been around but for some reason in my 40's they offend the shit out of my senses and are almost unbearable. [GOOGLING] Ok - certainly could be a hormonal link much like how a pregnant woman is sensitive to certain smells...heading into menopause might be it...I read some say it wears off a bit which would be nice. A whole new world heading my way....menopause...I am only concerned with hot flashes....they are all I am scared of. My worst smells aside from the obvious biological poo, pee, body odor, vomit, bad human breath, etc.
1) Fennel - black licorice of death smell
2) Mothballs - seriously people wash your clothes if you use those poisonous little nasties, the smell is heinous...always the mothballs smell on the bus and usually it is there little old Asian people, who are so friendly but so stinky.
3) Fish - nope can't deal.
4) Floral perfumes - barf.

The End.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

New New New

I haven't had a desk (don't until tomorrow actually) since moving but I set up a tv tray for my keyboard to do a bit of computering this evening. Miss A is out and Kim moves in tomorrow...looking fwd to living room has been well over 1 month where we either sit at the kitchen table or lay in bed haha

My last eye appt was a Debbie Downer eyes are now to the point that I need glasses for distance (which was the usual) but they have gotten bad enough that now I have to take them off for looking close up and that middle computer distance is a no mans land of friggin blindness... UGHHHH! So annoying...was hoping to avoid progressives but I think on my next eye Dr visit in 2 years I will have to relent. Add in that my eyes are severely dry ( zero eyeball lube going on, had to start using eye GEL, take supplements and wear a heated eye mask to bed (that stimulates the oil glands in your eyeballs by the way)...getting old is awesome.

The Age of Electric show in Vancouver was AMAZEBALLS...loved it, loved knowing all the songs...loves the banter on stage...loved laughing at myself as I sat at the back of
the venue grateful

for a seat. Such a different experience from the last time I saw them...up front, California Dreamin' in New West, being young and giving no it's like "where my walker?" haha

Great show, worth the travel, cost, bother and the wait.
Loving the new pad as well....still settling in but I lucked out and on move day Tracey took on the task of setting up the kitchen. Shes super organization queen and did a stellar job getting all the kitchen stuff put away and making sense.
Glad to be out of the ghetto. It is so quiet here...crazy quiet....nice change. Now I only wake up in the night b/c of my bladder or a leg cramp...not some asshat singing Frank Sinatra in the parking lot or having a psychotic break.

I am liking having a garden space....planted a few new things, ripped out a dead rose bush....Miss A has some kale and strawberry plants growing out back.
Cat seems to be adapting...with the 3 cats upstairs (and they roam around the yard) she was pretty spazzed out at first but shes mellowed...I blew 50 bones on a plug in cat pheromone thing that is supposed to make cat's feel happy and content....with the cost of the refills she is only getting 30 days worth though #mesocheap

Once Kim is in tomorrow it will be super settle in time b/c then I can actually put everything away and find a place for it all...
loving the bus situation over here...omg I haven't smelled urine on the bus since I moved!!!!  PROGRESS!

Cousin Tia and her daughter Mika came for a visit this week...haven't seen her in 30 years so that was a real trip! We did a few dinners and then while I was working they went kayaking, etc. Would have been nice to hang and just talk a bit more but time worked against such luxuries.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Off I go.... wander around Vancouver. I forget that Vancouver is almost like a funny little island...with that said - no earthquakes this weekend please!

Jen arguing with strangers on the internet.....

Kim: I have studied, discussed and seen a lot of art in my life. It varied greatly in style and approach. This is not art. 

Jenny: Wow Alysha Farling I guess you aren't an artist after all. Hmmmf. Imagine that. Way to go dream killer Kim. In all seriousness, just b/c you do not like it doesn't mean it is not art. Not liking it is fine...being stuck up is something else. Back to you "expert".

Alison: Well, art is whatever the artist says it is, in Dada speak.

Justin: Agree with this comment.

Matt: Looks like a pile of garbage..

A Far Away Land: thats because

A Far Away Land: is

Kim: Jenny Actually you know NOTHING about me or my art work. I am an accomplished artist, who has supported themselves both via my own commissoned art sales and instruction. If you had read my comment closely you would have seen that I DO consider a wide variety of approaches to art to be valid, but "just because I want to" isn't now, nor has it ever been a founding tool for art. Any art major, historian, or critic can tell you that! And yes, there are good art critics out there. You are such an expert? By the way I NEVER used that term in application to myself -- you threw that out there -- how about you post some pics of your expert work here? Idiot. All these people who think that 'just because they had an idea' they think it makes them artists.

Jenny: Kim I am not an artist and if I was I would hardly feel the need to seek out your approval. I do think it is arrogant and pompous to shit all over someone's art b/c you do not like it, especially a local artist who is very likely to see/read you acting like a snobby brat. There are many forms of art I do not care for, some I find ugly but that hardly means I feel inclined or righteous enough to go around and tell people what is art and what is not. I have seen this woman's most recent exhibit in person, it was really interesting and quite intricate...quite enjoyed the bizarre nature of it, not everyone's cup of tea I am sure - I called you an 'expert' since it seems only an 'expert' on a subject would be so bold as to feel he or she was educated and experienced enough to make such sweeping judgments about what is considered art or not. There is no point in arguing what is art and what is not but I can think you are an ass and you can think I am an idiot and the world keeps spinning.

Eric: Hardly constructive criticism Kim. Honest yes but it's difficult to understand your intent here? On another note. I'd like to see your work! Post please!

Kim: Hi Eric. Don't you find it interesting that unless you say that every last thing that is put out there is 'wonderful' somehow you are being (in my case) a bitch. Everything out there isn't fabulous -- the effort always is -- and that I did allude to, but people should know if their work is on the right track or not. Same for musicians who can't play well, or would be chefs who can't cook well, or accountants who are inherently bad at math. Unlike sanctimonious Juenny JJ who basically thinks I am a POS, I DID NOT say the person behind the posted picture is a bad person and should not continue to attempt making art pieces. And that is (tantamount) to what I am being accused of. If people are always told every little thing they do is amazing -- they are in for a big shock if they hope to make a living doing what they love. It is not a favour to people. And I would still be curious to see other work by the same person! Perhaps there is an alternate direction taken which is wonderful and it might benefit them to know that! As for posting pieces of my work here, I used to post images online on social media boards but no longer do. I apologize for that, but now I only send roughs and proofs to ongoing clients. I no longer post anything on line as I have had too many pieces copied and sold as others peoples original pieces.

Eric: Again....... Productive. Advice..... Nobody gets ahead with such negative energy. Also glad Alysha's work impacted you and so many others to comment! I figure that was her goal

Jenny: I never said you were a bitch or a POS. I said it was stuck up, pompous, arrogant, etc to make such a claim. I have no idea if you are a bad person or not, it is not really my concern. I think your comment came across like you thought you were some sort of authority. I think art is too subjective to have such rigid ideas about what "it" is and isn't. Let's move on now....

Kim:  Jenny Yes, you should move on now. How about going and bothering some of the other people who commented here who were just as unflattering, but did that clever little trick where they write things as though they are only joking! I at least had the balls to stand behind my honest opinion. And while art may be subjective, bad art still stands out.

Jenny: Bad manners & rudeness stand out too Kim. Enjoy your day. J

Donna:  Jenny / Eric, its the fact she leaves it behind thats the problem , would you be find with her art in your yard , all the power to you an your thoughts on art but do you have to leave it after yourt done is my issue..

Jenny: We all leave stuff behind. I know she finds a very large portion already as garbage & how she treats it after is not really what we are talking about here. It is her responsibility to handle that, I would not assume she just leaves it on the side of the road to anger people like yourself.